Dealing With Disruptive Behavior

Experts from the Child Mind Institute share the techniques they use with kids in behavioral therapy -- so you can use them at home to improve your own child's behavior.

One of the biggest challenges parents face is managing their children's difficult or defiant behavior. Whether children are refusing to put on their shoes, ignoring instructions to turn off a video game, shoving a sibling, or throwing a full-blown tantrum, you can find yourself at a loss for an effective way to respond.
In behavioral therapy, psychologists or psychiatrists help parents maximize the kind of behavior they want to encourage, and minimize the kind they'd like to see less of. There are well-tested techniques that help parents become more confident, calm, consistent, and successful when they interact with their children. These techniques also help children develop the skills they need to regulate their own behavior and have happier relationships with their families, teachers, and friends.
Here are the basics of a good behavioral management plan that you can use at home.

Define Behaviors The first step is to identify the target behaviors that you either want to encourage or discourage. These behaviors should be specific, observable, and measurable (so everyone can agree whether or not the behavior happened). An example of poorly defined behavior is "being good" or "acting up." A well-defined behavior would be "grabbing another child's toy" or "sitting nicely at the dinner table."

Set the Stage Once you've targeted behaviors you want to see more or less of, you should focus on the antecedents, or the preceding factors that make the behaviors more or less likely to occur. These are ways to increase the likelihood of positive behavior and decrease the likelihood of negative behavior.
Adjust the environment. For a homework session, for instance, remove distractions like video screens and toys, provide a snack if your child is hungry, and schedule breaks to help him stay alert.
Make expectations clear. You'll get better cooperation if you think clearly about what you are expecting, and tell your child with words. For example, explain that bedtime is at 8:00 on school nights. It starts with putting on pajamas, brushing teeth, using the bathroom, and a half hour of reading together in bed before lights out. It's even more helpful to write expectations out and hang them up (using pictures if your child can't read yet).
Countdown to transitions. Whenever possible, prepare your child for an upcoming transition. Let her know when there are 10 minutes remaining before she must come to dinner or start cleaning up. Then remind her when there are two minutes left. Be sure that you actually make the transition at the stated time.
Give a choice when possible. Providing two options is a good way to set up structure while empowering your child to have a say. You might ask, "Do you want to take a shower before dinner or after?" or "Do you want to turn off the TV or should I?" The key is that the choice should be presented calmly and politely.
Use "when, then" statements. These are a useful tool that offers a clear expectation as well as a reward for cooperating. For example: "When you complete your homework, then you will get to play on the iPad." Make sure you present the "when, then" calmly and limit how often you repeat yourself.

Give Instructions Effectively Psychologists help parents choose pick the right words to get the results they want.
Use statements, not questions. "Please take out your math worksheet" or "Please sit down" is better than "Are you ready to get out your homework?"
Tell your child what to do instead of what not to do. If he's jumping on the couch, you want to say, "Please get down from the couch" instead of "Please stop jumping."
Be clear and specific. Instead of "Go ahead," say, "Please go start your reading assignment." Instead of "Settle down," say, "Please use your inside voice."
Give instructions calmly and respectfully. This helps your child learn to be polite when speaking to others. She'll also learn to listen to calm instructions instead of listening only when you shout instructions or her name several times.
Say it once. After you give an instruction, wait a few seconds, rather than repeating what you said. Your child will learn to listen to instructions the first time, rather than assuming you'll say them again.

Next:  Choose the Right Consequences

Parenting your strong-willed child

Parenting Tips > Discipline That Helps, Not Hurts
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child

Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child

Have a strong-willed child?  You're lucky! Strong willed children can be a challenge to parent when they’re young, but if sensitively parented, they become terrific teens and young adults.  Self-motivated and inner-directed, they go after what they want and are almost impervious to peer pressure.  As long as parents resist the impulse to "break their will," strong-willed kids often become leaders. 

What exactly is a strong-willed, or spirited, child?  Some parents call them "difficult" or “stubborn,” but we could also see them as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints.  They want desperately to be right, and sometimes will put that desire above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears.  They have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.

Often, these kids are prone to power-struggles with their parents.  However, it takes two to have a power struggle.  You don't have to  attend every argument to which you're invited!  If you can take a deep breath when your buttons get pushed, and remind yourself that you can let your child save face and still get what you want, you can learn to sidestep those power struggles. 
Research shows that  parents who pay attention can avoid power struggles, even with strong-willed kids, by empathizing as they set limits, giving choices, and clearly offering respect.  Adopting a policy of looking for win/win solutions rather than just laying down the law keeps strong-willed children from becoming explosive and teaches them essential skills of negotiation and compromise.

Strong-willed kids feel their integrity is compromised if they're forced to submit to a parent's will.  And, really, you don't WANT to raise an obedient child.  Of course you want your child to do what you say.  But not because he is obedient, meaning he always does what someone bigger tells him.  No, you want him to do what you say because he trusts YOU, because you are the parent and have his best interests at heart.  You want to raise a child who has self-discipline, takes responsibility, and is considerate -- and most important, has the discernment to figure out when to trust and be influenced by someone else.  Breaking a child's will leaves him open to the influence of others that often will not serve him.  What's more, it's a betrayal of the spiritual contract we make as parents to nurture our child's unique gifts.

That said, strong-willed kids can be a handful -- high energy, challenging, persistent.  How do we protect those fabulous qualities and encourage their cooperation?

Ten Tips for Positive Parenting Your Strong-Willed, Spirited Child

1. Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules.  That way, you aren't bossing them around, it’s just that “The rule is we use the potty after every meal and snack,” or “The schedule is that lights-out is at 8pm.  If you hurry, we’ll have time for two books,” or "In our house, we finish homework before computer, TV, or telephone time."  The parent stops being the bad guy.

2.  Your strong-willed child wants mastery more than anything.  Let her take charge of as many of her own activities as possible.  Don’t nag at her to brush her teeth, ask “What else do you need to do before we leave?”   If she looks blank, tick off the short list: “Every morning we eat, brush teeth, use the toilet, and pack the backpack.  I saw you pack your backpack, great job!  Now, what do you still need to do before we leave?”  Kids who feel more independent and in charge of themselves will have less need to rebel and be oppositional. Not to mention they take responsibility early.

3.  Give your strong-willed child choices.  If you give orders, he will almost certainly bristle.  If you offer a choice, he feels like the master of his own destiny.  Of course, only offer choices you can live with and don’t let yourself get resentful by handing away your power.  If going to the store is non-negotiable and he wants to keep playing, an appropriate choice is:  “Do you want to leave now or in ten minutes?”

4. Give her authority over her own body. “I hear that you don’t want to wear your jacket today.  I think it is cold and I am definitely wearing a jacket.  Of course, you are in charge of your own body, as long as you stay safe and healthy, so you get to decide whether to wear a jacket.  But I’m afraid that you will be cold once we are outside, and I won’t want to come back to the house.  How about I put your jacket in the backpack, and then we’ll have it if you change your mind?”  She’s not going to get pneumonia, unless you push her into it by acting like you’ve won if she asks for the jacket.  And once she won’t lose face by wearing her jacket, she’ll be begging for it once she gets cold.  It’s just hard for her to imagine feeling cold when she’s so warm right now in the house, and a jacket seems like such a hassle. She's sure she's right -- her own body is telling her so -- so naturally she resists you.  You don't want to undermine that self-confidence, just teach her that there's no shame in letting new information change your mind.

5. Don't push him into opposing you.  If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your child into defying you, just to prove a point.  You'll know when it's a power struggle and you're invested in winning.  Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with your child always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship.  When in doubt say "Ok, you can decide this for yourself."  If he can't, then say what part of it he can decide, or find another way for him to meet his need for autonomy without compromising his health or safety.

6. Side step power struggles by letting your child save face.  You don’t have to prove you’re right. You can, and should, set reasonable expectations and enforce them.  But under no circumstances should you try to break your child’s will or force him to acquiesce to your views.  Just recently I heard from a mother how she herself refused to take a nap at age four.  It wasn't enough that she finally was forced to get into her bed, her father spanked her until she said she wanted to nap.  This was a defining moment of this woman's life, and she spent the rest of her childhood alternating between rebelling against her parents and considering suicide. 

7.  Listen to her. You, as the adult, might reasonably presume you know best.  But your strong-willed child has a strong will partly as a result of her integrity. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her. Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you.  A non-judgmental  “I hear that you don’t want to take a bath.  Can you tell me more about why?” might just elicit the information that she’s afraid she’ll go down the drain, like Alice in the song. It may not seem like a good reason to you, but she has a reason.  And you won’t find it out if you get into a clash and order her into the tub.

8.  See it from his point of view.  For instance, he may be angry because you promised to wash his superman cape and then forgot.  To you, he is being stubborn.  To him, he is justifiably upset, and you are being hypocritical, because he is not allowed to break his promises to you.  How do you clear this up and move on?  You apologize profusely for breaking your promise, you reassure him that you try very hard to keep your promises, and you go, together, to wash the cape.  You might even teach him how to wash his own clothes! Just consider how would you want to be treated, and treat him accordingly.

9. Discipline through the relationship, never through punishment. Kids don’t learn when they’re in the middle of a fight.  Like all of us, that’s when adrenaline is pumping and learning shuts off.  Kids behave because they want to please us.  The more you fight with and punish your child, the more you undermine her desire to please you.


10. Offer him respect and empathy. Most strong-willed children are fighting for respect.   If you offer it to them, they don’t need to fight to protect their position.  And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if they feel understood.  If you see his point of view and think he's wrong -- for instance, he wants to wear the superman cape to synagogue and you think that's inappropriate -- you can still offer him empathy and meet him part way while you set the limit. "You love this cape and wish you could wear it, don't you?  But when we go to Temple we dress up, and we can't wear the cape.  I know you'll miss wearing it.  How about we take it with us so you can wear it on our way home?"


Does this sound like Permissive Parenting?  It isn't. Here's why Permissive Parenting sabotages your child.
 Need more ideas about How to put Positive Parenting to work with your Strong-Willed Child?

Sight Word Game

When practicing those sight words- keep it fun! Here's an easy to make game for home. Grab a peice of paper (or use the blank game board I've sent home) right some sight words along a "path" and the borrow a die from a game you already own! Your child can use any small object to move along the path such as a cheerio or penny. Start at the beginning, roll the die, move that many spaces, read the word!

I found this idea (and SOOO many others) on Pinterest. If you aren't on pinterest and would like to be then let me know and I can send you an invite! Click here to view my "Classroom Board" for more fun ideas!

Alphabet Letter Formation Poems

Alphabet Letter Formation Poems

 

A - Pull down twice from the point to the top. Add a seat to view the apple crop.

a - First make a round apple to eat, then a slide for an ant when he's finished his treat!

B - Big old B has a tall straight back and two big bellies 'cause he just ate a snack!

b - Draw a straight back just like me. Don't forget to add a belly for b.

Cc - Cars can cruise down curvy c. Stop near the ground- that's it you see!

D - Down to the ground, then take a break. Half a circle is what you'll make.

d - First you make a dime to spend. Go way up high then down to the end.

E - Pull straight down for capital E. Then add some shelves 1, 2, 3.

e - A little line start off e. Add a plate for an egg- here's breakfast for me!

F - Big F is a tall flower for you. E has three lines, F has two.

f - This flower grows tall and hangs a little. Add a line right in the middle.

G - Big round circle but don't go too far. Add a garage to park your car!

g - A garden starts with a little seed. The roots grow down that's all you need!

H- Make two lines, high to low. Connect the lines so they can say hello!

h - First start high then take a jump. Little h has a little hump.

I - Big I starts with one side of a door. All it needs is a roof and a floor.

i - Little i goes down, it's an ice cream treat. Add a sprinkle on top and it's ready to eat.

J - Jumping jack J jumps up and down and then curls up. Jack needs a hat 'cause he likes to dress up!

j - Little j is so thin and lean. Jump way down, then add a jellybean!

Kk - K and k have three lines as you can see: a tall straight back and a sideways v.

L - Pull down a line and add a lap. Lie down, lazy! It's time for a nap!

l - Little l looks like a number one. Just draw a line and you are done!

M - Go down, hit the ground, then draw a V. Down to the ground again big M is two mountains for me.

m - Go down, hit the ground then get ready for bumps. Little m is easy to write, just add two humps.

N - Stick a nail in the ground and slant another one right. Add a third pointing up and say “nighty-night”!

n - Go down, hit the ground and your almost done. Little m has two humps, n has only one!

Oo - Oh yum! An orange to eat! Nice and round, it's a healthy treat.

P - Pull down your pencil, then pick it up off the ground. Add a half a penny, nice and round.

p - Pop on down and then up, you see. Finish it off with a little pea!

Q - Big Q is a round quarter to spend. Add a line when you're at the end.

q - A fancy queen with a little pearl. Give q's hair a special curl.

R - First draw a line and then a rainbow. Add a ramp and you're ready to go!

r - Go straight down, then race on back. r has an arm, like a little rack.

Ss - Silly S and s, those slippery snakes. Twisty, turny, ready to shake!

T - Big T is a big tall tree. Add a fort at the top so you can see.

T - Little t is a little tree. Add a fort in the middle for you and me!

U - Big U is just like a cup. Start by going down and then curve up.

U - Curve down and up, then down once more. Little u is a cup that's ready to pour.

V v - Slant down first then up like so. This upside-down volcano is ready to blow!

W w - W and w have two pointy waves. Swim in the water if you're brave!

X x - A criss and a cross and in case you forgot, where is the treasure? X marks the spot!

Y - Capital Y has a V in the air. The pole at the bottom holds it there.

Y - Slant down right, down to the ground. Slant down left and take it underground.

Z z - Zigzag Z and z are easy, you see. Just zig a zag - 1, 2, 3!

Sight words ("Star words" to us)

**This was taken from Ms. Barker's classroom blog. Thanks for helping us!**

If you have not already begun to work on the Dolch Words with your child, please get started now! (Smiles!) These high-frequency words are useful because:

*As readers learn more, having many words that are quickly recognized helps to move the reading along so that problem solving is not necessary on each word; fluency is supported by a large number of easily recognized words.

*Being able to write a small group of high-frequency words quickly without conscious attention helps young writers produce longer and more meaningful messages; they keep the momentum going because they do not have to slow down to puzzle out every word. 

Here's a link to the 220 Dolch Words (arranged according to frequency): http://www.mrsperkins.com/dolch-words-all-freq-printable.pdf